Relationship Advice – Overcoming A Fear Of Intimacy

Naturally everyone wants to be closer to their partner. The best case scenario is that they reciprocate this desire. But there are times when we cannot seem to get closer to our partner no matter what we do. When this happens, how do we fix it?

You first have to determine what is actually causing the barrier to occur, and not what we believe the problem to be. Only when we have accurately identified the reasoning behind it can we come up with a viable resolution.

What can cause a fear of intimacy? There are many things that can contribute to or cause this to occur.

1. Fear of the unknown. If your partner has had a “bad” incident occur in the past and were hurt when they opened up to an ex-partner, reliving this painful time could now be holding them back from opening up again to you. It’s nothing personal on your part. But it is more of a “fool me once, shame on you: fool me twice, shame on me” kind of feeling. They were hurt once when they opened themselves up: they aren’t in a hurry to chance repeating that kind of pain.

2. A lack of trust. Relationships are built on trust. If trust was eroded away by someone else – then your partner might now have their guard up. Again, it’s not about you, but more about wanting to make sure they do not relive history. Once trust is gone, it’s easy for some to categorize all future partners in the same light.

3. Feeling they might not be good enough. Some people allow their feelings of inadequacy to filter into all parts of what could be an intimate relationship. By thinking they are not good enough for you, they are hoping to prevent the opportunity of being hurt before it happens. They feel if they just accept the relationship doesn’t really have that good of a chance of succeeding, they are stopping the pain they feel is inevitable before it has a chance to occur.

How do you overcome these barriers? By recognizing them and working on them instead of ignoring them. You have to be willing to confront your fears and label them for what they really are. Trying to hide behind them or not being truthful about their severity will get you nowhere. If your partner feels pressured, then give them space. If they feel as if they might not be able to trust you, show them acts of unconditional kindness to prove to them you are there to be with them and not to hurt them in any way.

Learn about yourself… are destructive emotions at the heart of the problems you are experiencing with your relationship? If so, maybe you need to get control of what you are really telling yourself. What are your beliefs?

Relationship Wisdom – Create A Relationship Vision

Many couples head into a relationship with lots of enthusiasm. This is good, right? This is what makes most relationships so interesting and exciting at the beginning. There are a lot of assumptions created from the honeymoon period hormones, which are then turned into expectations for the remainder of the relationship. Let’s have a look how we can start with a bit more openness, reality check and clarity.

You used to tell me every day how beautiful I am

If receiving affirmative comments to you is a high priority value you will have been sold by those statements and swept away into feeling loved. He fulfilled one important need and turned the key and unlocked your heart. This is a beautiful way to start a romance but what if those beautiful words where just present at the happy beginning?

Starting over

Creating a relationship vision, like any other vision for life or business, has the potential to move you forward in life as a couple and support you in a satisfying partnership. When this vision in based on your personal values, the things that give meaning to your life, it will also ignite and bring more meaning to you as a couple. You can do this any time, the sooner the better.

What is a Relationship Vision?

By creating a vision you make clear what you want. You are describing in words what you can see, feel, hear and smell, based on your values and purpose. This vision can be a one-year, three-year, five-year or ten-year vision.

How can we create our Relationship Vision?

It is an advantage if both partners equally desire to create more meaning and put the time aside to work on a relationship vision. It is also possible to create a relationship vision if you are still single and want to imagine the kind of partnership you want to invite into your life.

Step 1: Identify your personal values

Values are those things that truly matter most to you. It might be honesty, openness, creativity, freedom, etc. Start by making a list of the 20-50 most important values for you and rate them from 1 to 5, 1 being very important, 5 being less important. Notice all the values scored as 1 or 2 and make a list of the top five core values that you cherish the most.

Step 2: Identify your relationship values

Relationship values are those things that truly matter most to you in regards to your relationship and your partner. Do this alone before sharing with your partner. Do it in the same way as you came up with your personal values but remember that there are specific relationship values which you might like to add, for example: intimacy, creating a family together, physical proximity etc.

Step 3: Compare your personal and your relationship values

Notice whether both of your values work together. Be honest with yourself and whether you are compromising your personal values for your relationship values. If necessary, align them so there is no compromise.

Step 4: Write your relationship vision

Pick a time frame: 1-year, 3-year, 5-year or 10-year and write from that moment, describing what you see, feel, hear etc. Use present tense and state as if you are looking through your eyes. Make sure you include the values that are most important to you. Remember to make this vision achievable and believable for you but let it stretch your imagination.

Step 5: Read it aloud

First, read it aloud to yourself. Then, if you have a partner, read it to them. Ask them to listen attentively and encourage you with their whole being.

Living according to your personal and relationship values and being aware of your partner’s values will give you greater relationship satisfaction in itself. Once you have openly shared your vision with your partner there might be goals you want to set together or other conversations coming up regarding what you want to achieve together.

Remember that this might bring up insecurities as well as excitement. Being truthful to yourself and to your partner will make your relationship more real and propel you towards your personal vision and purpose.