Naturally everyone wants to be closer to their partner. The best case scenario is that they reciprocate this desire. But there are times when we cannot seem to get closer to our partner no matter what we do. When this happens, how do we fix it?
You first have to determine what is actually causing the barrier to occur, and not what we believe the problem to be. Only when we have accurately identified the reasoning behind it can we come up with a viable resolution.
What can cause a fear of intimacy? There are many things that can contribute to or cause this to occur.
1. Fear of the unknown. If your partner has had a “bad” incident occur in the past and were hurt when they opened up to an ex-partner, reliving this painful time could now be holding them back from opening up again to you. It’s nothing personal on your part. But it is more of a “fool me once, shame on you: fool me twice, shame on me” kind of feeling. They were hurt once when they opened themselves up: they aren’t in a hurry to chance repeating that kind of pain.
2. A lack of trust. Relationships are built on trust. If trust was eroded away by someone else – then your partner might now have their guard up. Again, it’s not about you, but more about wanting to make sure they do not relive history. Once trust is gone, it’s easy for some to categorize all future partners in the same light.
3. Feeling they might not be good enough. Some people allow their feelings of inadequacy to filter into all parts of what could be an intimate relationship. By thinking they are not good enough for you, they are hoping to prevent the opportunity of being hurt before it happens. They feel if they just accept the relationship doesn’t really have that good of a chance of succeeding, they are stopping the pain they feel is inevitable before it has a chance to occur.
How do you overcome these barriers? By recognizing them and working on them instead of ignoring them. You have to be willing to confront your fears and label them for what they really are. Trying to hide behind them or not being truthful about their severity will get you nowhere. If your partner feels pressured, then give them space. If they feel as if they might not be able to trust you, show them acts of unconditional kindness to prove to them you are there to be with them and not to hurt them in any way.
Learn about yourself… are destructive emotions at the heart of the problems you are experiencing with your relationship? If so, maybe you need to get control of what you are really telling yourself. What are your beliefs?